lazy Sunday

Two Sundays off in a row? what is my ASM thinking. I'm going to get spoiled.

I slept in a little today, no early to rise 7am like yesterday for me. About to sit down and have my breakfast before I start to feed the pets. Then I need to get a nice lunch packed for my trip to the barn today.

I've decided that I'm not going to weigh my self every week. It's killing me to see my slow progress. I know some people say it's what motivates them but for me it just makes me sad.

Edit: this didn't publish before I left this morning-- so rather than make another post I'll finish up this one. I had a great day at the barn. Friends came to meet Katie and it was an all around wonderful day. Turns out where our friends moved to is about 10 minutes away from our current barn! Yay! Had dinner already and going to spend my night cleaning up the house.

Why do we have to work?

Work-- Work has been good. Making progress on a lot of things personally and professionally. I've realized that I've changed a lot in this past year. I didn't expect to be in such a different place mentally. I guess it happens in life. I've always been a believer in the idea that life takes us where we need to be and makes us who we need to be.

And life handed me this horse. I'm still debating what it wants me to do with it-- but I think it's a good indicator that maybe I should be thinking about getting back into a career with animals. Seeing Katie be born was an amazing experience for me. Getting to know her in the days since have been nearly magical. When I'm not watching her be a horse I'm thinking about watching her be a horse. I think about all the learning I want to do about working with horses and how much I'm going to be learning in the coming months with Katie about raising a foal.

 

Char is a great mother too, she's attentive but she doesn't crowd Katie. Char seems to give her plenty of space to learn things on her own. I love spending time with my girls. Once Char's leg is healed up and Katie is weened I'm going to learn to ride proper. 

A month of change.

Whoa, I let it go a whole month without posting. I think that maybe I need to re-evaluate how I spend my online time.  A lot has happened in the last month and I think that it's all good.

On May 23rd my horse Char gave birth to a little Filly we've named Katie Rose Venus. No one knew she was in foal and thankfully it was a mostly uneventful delivery with me only having to get my hands dirty for a moment. It's been a big surprise for us all and one that is working out.

 

On June 3rd I finished my first 15mile cycling ride. It was raining, I was soaked, I was in pain and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere. I made it to the first rest stop and thought about calling David to pick me up. At the rest stop I met up with the guys of team "Just one more..." and they let me ride with them. I finished the ride, I hurt still-- sore in places that have never been this sore before but it was a wonderful day.

Patiently waiting for my days off

Ugh, that is the biggest problem with needing money-- needing to work for it. I want to just clean my house, ride my bike and just be done with it.

Friday already?

Well I got conned into working this evening-- so there goes another hapless night of playing video games with my fiance. :-( I guess I thought working at a game store would be different, and different it has become even in the short 7 months I've worked for the company. Yesterday we officially started selling iDevices and this weekend we go live with Tablets. I feel like it's just one more thing for them to steal.

Anywho, Yesterday I rode the bike to work and it felt awesome. I couldn't make it up two of the large hills but the smaller one I took in stride! i got to take the nature trail that I had not gone down previously, this one goes along the Erie Canal on one side and an old garbage dump on the other. Nature has been reclaiming the dump for years but having one so close to the canal-- I wonder what those guys were thinking back then. Anyway I saw some fish and a few ducks, still no turtles. Being out on the trail has made me miss my dog terribly. I really wish he was here with me, I know my parents are taking good care of him but he's my mush and I miss his antics.

Had an amazing Monday

11 miles cycled, an hour of Horseback riding (horses were hungry and fussy).

I had a great Monday.

Old trees at Green Lake

Oh, that's me!

My new wheels.

Looks more blue to me.

Insomnia posting

It is probably a bad idea to write a post when I'm this sleep deprived but I find my self wondering if any woman on the face of the earth ever really gets along with their SO's parent(s)?

My future MIL has her moments of awesome-- but then she opens her mouth about something and ruins it.

I can feel her waiting to say something about my cycling ride in June. Every time I bring it up she gets rather quiet, which is unlike her. If there is a topic she always has something to say about it. I'm not the fittest person in the house, but crap at least I'm getting off my rear end and doing something about it. I want to continue my recent weightloss, I want to continue my recent streak of low glucose numbers without the use of medications, I want to show the world that I'm more than a fat girl who is sick all the time.

The trucker that wasn't.

So it would seem that he has given up on this. I feel partially-- ok mostly responsible for this fact. If I weren't here, if I were still with my parents down in NYC he would have stuck with it. I dislike feeling like this. I want him to get back out on the road. One bad trainer does not the lot make.

I just wish he wouldn't get so foggy and distant when I try to talk to him about it.

ramblings

Do you ever wonder if the road you're on is the one you're meant for? Ever think maybe you missed a turn, or sped up when you should have slowed down (or vice versa).

Sometimes I find myself wondering if we're on the same highway, let alone even at the same exit in life. I don't like feeling like this and I'm tired of apologizing to the people around me who are moving at a different speed. Wanting something with all my heart and soul shouldn't turn into a fight, and it shouldn't be a topic that is shoved under the rug either. I'm sick of changing my opinion on things just because of the ideas of other people.

Needle isn't moving

It's an adage my district manager at work seems to be really fond of, "keep the needle moving" he says it probably three to four times a day. Some of you may notice that not only has my needle not been moving but my posting hasn't been as regular.

Truth be told right now I don't need it. Saturday my love surprised me by coming home. It's temporary while the company fits him in with another trainer. It's so wonderful to hold him again. It also sucks that he isn't making a paycheck this week. I'm terrified of the tuition coming back to choke us. I'm worried that the new guy at work will do better than I do, and I'll get weened off the schedule.

Got to push the bad thoughts aside and think positive though.

lemons

 

Seriously, when life gives you lemons you tell life to suck it. I'm glad that is what is going on now. Little changes to effect the big picture. Making things better one step at a time. 

hindsight--

I realize what I wrote yesterday about marriage>house>baby isn't 100% accurate.  At least, I mean that in that I don't mean you have to have all three of those with no wiggle room. I lived the first 8 years of my life in apartments and I'm no worse for it.

What I meant was more of a get your affairs in order, then have kids. I, personally, don't have mine in order. I still owe a lot of money to credit cards and student loans.

Now, on to more fun stuff. Stayed up until 4am being the "guy talk" friend. It was nice. I'm glad that someone trusts me enough to talk to me about that kind of thing. I'll admit, it's hard with my Fiance being away for so long-- I guess now I know how he felt when I left to go back to new york city. I need to talk to him soon so I can accurately update the hours and the google map.

Making today better

Yesterday I had a rather bad day. I woke up crying from some very teasing dreams (judging from how crusty my eyes are this morning I had them again without remembering) got to work to a rather bleh day, couldn't get my reserves up, had a sugar crash of 50 just before lunch. Was still only 69 before going home for dinner which worries me now that I don't have health insurance again. Open enrollment at work isn't for another two months and I can't get married tomorrow *if only* It feels forever away for me but I know that getting married now while we're both not making good money is something we'll regret later. I'm a firm believer in marriage>house>baby, neither of which we can afford right now.

Yesterday was wonderful in one way, I got to talk to him a lot. Since it was his 8th day and he max'd out his 70. We played Draw Something and he got to tell me about some stories he wants to work on. Hopefully he gets another 10 in today. I'd like that very much.

one quarter

So, training is about a quarter done. He has already maxed out his hours for the week with one day left (a day of rest for him I can only hope) Now I don't know if he's going to complain about the trainer or leave it be for the next three weeks. That's up to him, I can't force him to despite how desperately I want him to. No one has a right to treat anyone else like that.

Here I sit, alone in my room contemplating why I chose to move back here knowing full well that he was leaving for Orientation. I know that his mother is glad I'm close by. She admitted to me today that she might not be handling it so well if I were not. Sad truth is I'm not handling being here very well. I miss my dog, I miss not being sick all the time, I miss my family.

I also miss him. 

Longest convo all week

Recently got off the phone with my love. It was the longest convo we've had in the 10 days he's been gone. It was a good convo full of "I love you"'s and "I Miss you"s. He's in Texas still, on the way to Florida with what I joked about being a load of Mexians trying to get to Cuba.

I'm glad that the load has such a distance, he can maybe get in 20 hours before its dropped. That much closer to being here in my arms.

Laying awake at night

I played some MassEffect 3 multiplayer with some friends last night and we ended at a decent hour. I however laid in bed until well after 3am. Just laid here. Yeah I screwed around on FB for a while but even after throwing on netflix, which I've fallen asleep to plenty of times, nothing.

I hate this. He's almost never been around to huggle me at night unless we were on vacation or something yet sleeping seems to be the hardest part for me right now. I know that we need the money and he needs to be doing a job where that money is his to do with what he wants but heck. I miss him so much.

The Breakfast of Champions...

I feel like a right little chit sitting here enjoying my Carnation Breakfast Essentials with my multigrain Cheerios knowing that it's possible that my love will not get food today. That if he does it may be as little as a granola bar or a single fast food burger. I want so badly to be in that cab with him. To keep it stocked with no refridge needed milks, juices and other healthy snacks for him. I want to lay curled up between his warm body and the cool metal of the truck during his off time. I can not wait for this to become a reality for us or for him to finish and get his dedicated or regional route. It's been a little over a week since he left.
At last check in 40 hours down, 230 hours to go.

Getting out of bed in the morning.

It's been hard. The first few days he was gone I cleaned like a woman on a mission. Lately thought I just can't seem to drag myself out of the bed. I didn't get to sleep until almost 3am this morning and when my alarm went off at 10 I reset it for 11.

He hasn't called me yet this morning, which is good hopefully they're out on the road rather than burning their hours. I was going to go horseback riding again today but the forecast calls for 50% chance of rain. I hate when it's nice all week when I'm at work and then I get rain on my days off.

Update 1:20pm

So I had started a google map, so I can pin everywhere my fiance goes and today when he checked in for his second drop I realized he's so far away. I'm trying to keep busy. I cleaned the car the other day, I started cleaning the kitchen yesterday. I'm glad I have a 5 day work week this week or else I think I'd go crazy. I haven't checked with him on his exact hours left till he finishes his 270 but it feels like so far away. 

Finding support

Earlier today I found a great group on Facebook where wifes of truckers come together to chat about life but also to support each other. They've taken me in and already given me some great advice for living with a trucker. <3

I can't wait to have a nice place of our own for me to have nice and clean for when he comes home. I'm going to bake a cake, maybe I'll put ice cream in it. Too many weeks to go until I get to hold him again but I'm still somehow counting the hours.

Also today I got in some nice driving practice with my future MIL. I drove all the way to the horse stables, went riding for a couple of hours, and drove home. Of course now I can't sleep and have tried cleaning, playing the sims and even just laying in bed but nada. Wish he was awake for  me to talk to.

New Beginnings

My fiance is now a long haul truck driver. I guess the distance was something we started working on early when I moved back with my parents last year. While I was gone he decided to enroll in a CDL class and he finished in January. Of course I move back to start getting ready to finish my college degree in the fall and he gets a company. I can't even drive myself yet! I grew up in NYC where we didn't need to drive.

I did get to have a rather amazing two weeks with him before he had to leave. I feel like only half a person with him gone. I get up, I go to work, I come home. Sometimes I play some video games or take the bicycle out to the nature trail. I'm counting the hours until he comes home. Until he has made us enough money that we can move out of our crappy basement apartment and into something with windows. Something with a yard where my dog can run.